Boundary Issues and Assertiveness
Have you ever had someone push in front of you in a queue, stand uncomfortably close to you, or even been asked an inappropriately personal question? If you have, you will know it can leave one feeling irritated, annoyed or upset. We have an intuitive sense that there are natural physical boundaries as well as psychological boundaries that should not be crossed. Honouring them is important for the maintenance of healthy relationships and society. The right balance develops a child that is secure and well adjusted. The psychoanalytic thinker Dr John Bowlby traces many of the problems people experience in later life to not receiving a sense of security and acceptance in childhood. He explains that the relationship a child creates with their parents often serves as a model for future relationships. Conflicts due to boundary issues are very common. For example, there are people who have an excessive need to control others, or control their personal space. Many people struggle to say ‘no’ to others when asked to do something which they feel is inappropriate. I would like to suggest a few approaches to help develop greater assertiveness. 1) Building Self Esteem.Often people who have difficulty being assertive act this way because they don’t want to be looked at negatively – a fear of rejection. This can be especially difficult when a person has low self esteem, which increases the need for others’ approval. Dr Abraham Twerski describes a case of a doctor who would never refuse a request regardless of how unreasonable it was, and constantly did things for others out of a desperate desire for others’ approval. He pretended to be glad to do the favours but inside resented people imposing on him. Once the doctor recognised the problem and addressed his self esteem issue, he was able to free himself of the inability to say no to others’ requests. 2) Understanding the appropriate response.Often people lack assertiveness because they think they do not have a right to state a viewpoint or ask for what they want or deserve. Challenging these self defeating beliefs is very important. 3) Communication skills.Learning skills and techniques to communicate one’s thought and feelings in an open non-confrontational way is extremely valuable. Some examples of these are speaking without blaming or labelling others, and making requests as opposed to demands. Rehearsing what one wants to say in the most tactful way, and expressing it at a time when one is most relaxed can also be helpful. 4) Therapy.When the issue of unassertiveness is deeper rooted or is creating great personal anguish, the option of therapy can be useful. Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment where a person can explore his issues and begin to understand self defeating beliefs as well as the possible payoffs provided by maintaining his lack of assertiveness. Practical steps to become more assertive can be worked on together, and any setbacks or resistance to moving forward can be addressed. Whatever approach a person takes, much relief and improvement in relationships can be attained through the maintenance and restoration of healthy boundaries.
Overcoming Stress and Anxiety
Our era has been called ‘The Age of Anxiety.’ With increasing financial stress, family pressures, health problems, global economic turmoil and worldwide political unrest, we live in very worrying times. Recent statistics have shown that fifty-nine percent of people in Britain have experienced anxiety and seventy percent have suffered from stress. The number of antidepressants prescribed by the NHS also rose sharply last year as worries of the recession set in. I would like to share five approaches that can be helpful in reducing anxiety. 1. Self awareness.The first step is to become aware of our thoughts and our internal dialogue, as much of our anxiety exists on an unconscious level. People tend to envision the worst possible consequences coming true. For example, someone worrying about finances may imagine him/herself poor, homeless, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This is often combined with the imagination producing stirring images that create a sense of panic and great distress. Memories of similar traumatic events from the past may also be unconsciously projected onto the current situation, which further exacerbates the problem. Once we become aware of our internal thoughts we are able to discover the fears that are at the root of the anxiety. A good acronym for fear is: FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real. Much of our fear may be based on invalid thinking. For example, when a person is having a panic attack they may misinterpret the physiological effects, and think that they are having a heart attack, thereby further increasing their anxiety. 2. Challenging our thoughts.By verbalizing our inner dialogue, we can challenge our irrational thinking and start to see the situation more objectively and calmly. This approach is emphasised in cognitive behavioural therapy, which teaches that it is not an actual event but our interpretation of it that determines our emotional response. By becoming aware of our cognitive biases (irrational thought patterns) we can change the way we think about a situation, thus reducing its emotional impact. To do this one might ask oneself some important questions: Are there other equally plausible ways of seeing and interpreting a situation? Is it possible, even probable, that a dreaded event will not occur? How many situations have you worried about in the past that turned out much better in reality? It is also valuable to explore how one would best cope with the worst case scenario if it were to occur. 3. Sharing our feelings with others.Sharing our concerns and worries with a supportive person can be therapeutic, helping to reduce and lighten their emotional impact. It is most effective if the listener allows us to express our concerns fully, and doesn’t interject with premature words of advice or encouragement. 4. Taking action.Facing a difficult situation and taking appropriate action where possible, reduces our fear and moves us from feeling helpless, or a victim of circumstances, to feeling more in control. Behavioural changes often lead to emotional changes; this is a principle upon which behavioural therapy is based. For example, a person who has a phobia of dogs and feels great anxiety around them would gradually increase his/her exposure to dogs until he/she could tolerate them without feeling anxious. Creating and implementing a plan of action to deal with our area of concern is therefore a vital step. While this often requires courage, avoiding the problem just serves to maintain it. The fear associated with it can paralyse us and produce a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. It is also important to break down this plan into small, manageable steps. 5) Maintaining physical and spiritual well being.Attending to our physical state helps to reduce stress; this includes getting enough sleep, exercising, eating properly, having time to relax, and medication if necessary. Breathing techniques or meditation can also be very helpful. It has been demonstrated by much modern research that prayer helps reduce anxiety. A recent study interviewed two hundred and forty-six people before having cardiac surgery. The results showed that those who prayed before the operation were more optimistic and suffered less anxiety. These five approaches can be used in combination or individually. A person’s particular circumstances, as well as individual character and personal preferences, will determine which approach will be most helpful.
Anger Management
If you’ve ever exploded with anger and regretted it shortly afterwards, or felt yourself simmering with resentment for days, you know how harmful these feelings can be. Anger can wreak havoc on relationships and have a destructive effect on one’s life. Recent medical research has also shown it to be linked to an increased likelihood of heart disease, stroke, cancer and the weakening of the immune system. There are many effective techniques and approaches that can assist us in managing anger. Below is a four step strategy which I call the four C’s. 1. Calm down.Staying in control and calming down is a vital first stage when in an anger-provoking situations modern psychotherapy places much emphasis on techniques that help to reduce and release the pent up frustration associated with anger. Relaxing and breathing techniques are emphasised, as they have a physiological effect that calms the psyche and reduces stress levels. Writing down your feelings in the form of a letter which will never be sent, or a physical form of release such as exercise or walking, are also effective methods. 2. Contemplate.In the heat of the moment we often become irrational, blowing things out of proportion. Once we feel calmer, it is important to look rationally and objectively at the anger provoking situation. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) teaches that it is not the actual event that disturbs us, but our interpretation and internal response to it that causes us our emotional reaction. By cognitive thought restructuring – changing the way we think of the situation – we can change our emotional reaction. It is important to ask yourself if there are other, less hostile ways of seeing and interpreting the situation and to try to see things from the other person’s perspective. This includes trying to understand their attitudes, motivation and background. Other therapeutic approaches emphasise becoming more aware of one’s own motivations. You may become angry with one person but really be angry with someone else or even yourself. This is known as transference. For example, someone who is angry with his boss but is afraid express it, may flare up at his wife or children instead. Anger may also be provoked when a comment touches upon or reminds one of a basic insecurity and feeling of vulnerability. When feeling threatened, it may be easier to become angry with another person than to acknowledge and face the real issue. 3. Change yourself.We have more control over ourselves and our own responses than we have over other people’s actions. We need to see if there is anything we can do ourselves to improve the situation or to prevent it from reoccurring. These may be simple lifestyle changes, such as getting more sleep, eating better or being more organised. On a deeper level, it may mean taking responsibility to deal with our insecurities and areas of sensitivity. 4. Communicate.When a person feels angry two responses are common: fight, (explode outwardly) or flight (retreat inwardly.) Learning to communicate one’s feelings in an open non confrontational way is an important skill There is a valuable approach used in marital therapy and conflict resolution called ‘active listening’. Two people in conflict are encouraged to make statements that begin with “I”, focusing on what they feel rather than making accusing statements that begin with “You”. For example, “I felt bad when you came late” instead of “you never turn up on time”. The other person paraphrases the contents of the statement, which enables the speaker to feel understood and validated. In this way an empathetic environment is created where both sides can be understood and work to resolve their differences. This leads to consolation and ultimately forgiveness which releases the poisonous feelings associated with anger.
Defeating Depression
Depression is a major problem in England today. Fifty-five percent of the population say they have been depressed and thirty-one million antidepressants are prescribed per year.. Depression is characterized by a range of symptoms which include loss of interest or enjoyment in activities, change in sleep patterns, loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness and guilt, poor concentration, change in weight, and suicidal thoughts. I would like to present several approaches that can be helpful in overcoming or reducing mild to moderate depression and its symptoms. 1) Emotional Support.People who are depressed often feel very alone and undervalued. They crave care, empathy and support from others. Gaining emotional support can play a vital role in recovery. . 2) Challenging Pessimistic Thought Patterns.A depressed person is often caught in a vicious cycle of negative thinking. Aaron Beck, the founder of cognitive therapy, describes three elements of depressive thinking, known as the ‘depressive cognition triad’. These are thinking negative thoughts about (1) oneself, as in ‘I’m useless, inadequate, etc.’, (2) past and present experiences, for example ‘nothing works out for me’, and (3) the future, such as ‘it will never get better’. Breaking unhelpful cycles of thought by challenging their validity can reduce their effect. This can be done by pointing out cognitive biases. For example, a person may be giving selective attention to the worst possibilities, or over-generalizing, seeing a single negative event as the whole picture. One approach which can be very valuable is to record one’s negative thoughts, then weigh the evidence for them being true or false, and then look for a more realistic attitude. Another approach, known as reframing, facilitates gaining a wider perspective. For example, being unsuccessful in a given area may be interpreted to mean ‘I am a failure’, and become a source of hopelessness. But with a shift in focus, a more positive, realistic perspective can be gained. Martin Seligman, a University of Pennsylvania psychologist, explains that one who has a larger perspective, like a belief in God and an afterlife, and loses a job, can view it as just a temporary defeat. 3) Activity.Depression often causes a loss of interest in activities as well as social withdrawal. But not participating in the activities one enjoys usually serves to maintain the low mood. Restoring activity levels, especially those that bring a sense of pleasure or achievement, is very important. For example, a person who becomes unemployed will often be less busy and have more time for negative thinking. Spending some of this time doing volunteer work or other constructive activity would help in maintaining a positive frame of mind. Exercise has also been shown to be valuable in keeping depression at bay; some studies have shown its effects to be comparable to those of antidepressants. 4) Problem Solving.Often, people become depressed because they feel stuck in a given life situation. Many people, upon exploring the roots of their issues discover that they have become trapped in cycles of self defeating behaviour which has brought about their depression. After understanding this behaviour, one can try new approaches to moving forward, whether in relationships, work situations or even health issues. Moving forward in a meaningful way is an important step in helping one feel better. 5) Counselling and Medication.Counselling and psychotherapy have been shown to be very effective in dealing with depression. Often this can help in applying the above approaches. Also, having the right medication can be of value, as there can be a physiological aspect to depression. While depression is very painful, when dealt with appropriately it can lead us to new discoveries about ourselves and to a more productive way of living.
Building Self Esteem
Low self esteem is very prevalent in our society today. A survey of school children reported that on average 69 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls in junior school said they were “happy the way I am”. In senior school, only 46 percent of boys and 29 percent of girls claimed this satisfaction. Low self esteem is associated with a greater propensity for depression, anxiety, envy, anger, loneliness, fear of rejection, addictions, eating disorders and self harm. Feeling bad about oneself is very painful and the psyche acts to protect a person from experiencing these feelings. In psychotherapy, the strategies that protect a person from this pain are known as defence mechanisms. One type of defence mechanism is the creation of a false persona, which acts to cover the inner feelings of low self esteem. For example, perfectionists strive to feel good about themselves by avoiding failure, people pleasers and high achievers strive to gain recognition from others, and loners isolate themselves from others to avoid the pain of rejection. Defence mechanisms may have short term benefits, but they never take away the underlying problem. The following approaches can help to increase self esteem, each step being effective alone or in combination with others. 1) Increase your self- awarenessAn important first step is to have greater awareness of our self critical thoughts and gain insight into their source. These critical and tortuous statements are often unconscious and habitual. Uncovering their origins, which are frequently from the childhood or teenage years, renders them more understandable. For example, a person who feels useless may trace these feelings back to a traumatic experience, time of failure, or critical remark. When we begin to understand that these critical voices are not a voice of truth from our essence, but something learned from an external source, we can begin to take them less seriously and to stop identifying ourselves with them. 2) Challenge your inner critical voiceChallenging this voice helps us to see that a lot of the statements it makes are based on irrational thinking and are not true. For example, a person who is a perfectionist can ask himself, ‘Is it really true that if I don’t excel in this exam I don’t have value?’ A people pleaser can ask, ‘Is it really true that if someone doesn’t like me I’m not good?’ In this way we develop a more realistic attitude and become less controlled by our critical thoughts. 3) Express your feelingsWhen a person feels a sense of shame or inadequacy, there is a tendency to want to hide this from others. Sharing these painful feelings, which are often guarded as secrets with a supportive person helps to normalize them. Great emphasis is placed in psychotherapy on creating a trusting relationship which will help a person to share his feelings fully. Empathy as well as non judgmental and unconditional acceptance are considered to be essential to facilitate this process. It is also important to express any other painful feelings which may be associated with low self esteem, such as anger, disappointment, sadness and guilt. 4) Express your authentic self.Expressing our true selves helps us identify with our inner goodness. One way is to start to drop our defence mechanisms. For example, people pleasers begins to say no when it is appropriate to do so, loners start to mix more with people, perfectionists lower their unrealistic standards of success.
Eliminating Envy
If you have ever felt envious of another’s good fortune or overshadowed by someone’s success, you will know how harmful jealousy can be. Envy can manifest itself in many ways including sibling rivalry, competitive feelings with work colleagues or friends, and a need to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. There are several approaches that can help us in overcoming envy. 1) Unmask the Illusion.Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches that it is not an actual event but our interpretation of it that causes our emotional response. By becoming aware of our cognitive biases (irrational thought patterns), we can change the way we think about a situation and thereby alter our emotional reaction to it. It is therefore important when feeling envy, to decide if we are looking at the situation in all or nothing terms, where we disqualify the positive that we have and magnify the good the other has. We may also be affected by ‘selective attention’, focusing on one aspect of another’s life without viewing the whole picture. 2) Look Within.Emotions can be considered a form of internal communication, which need to be understood rather than ignored. Envy itself is a graphic illustration which shows that a person wants more than he has. Unraveling the roots of jealousy may involve understanding our own self defeating behaviours, for example being over-fearful, controlling or unmotivated. This may be rooted in our upbringing and youth. Often these behaviours result in us feeling stuck, dissatisfied or unproductive, and at these times we are most prone to feeling envious of others. By understanding self defeating behaviours and accepting responsibility for them, we can learn to move beyond them and express ourselves in more meaningful and fulfilling ways. We can clarify our true aspirations and move forward in our lives, while at the same time accepting that we may have limitations. Envy is reduced not by having more of what another has, but by achieving greater personal fulfillment. 3) Positive Reinterpretation.Jealousy often occurs when people feel a lack in their lives. There is a natural tendency to compare ourselves with others and to become jealous. The psychiatrist Carl Jung writes about a concept known as ‘the wounded healer.’ The wounded healer is someone who has sought to heal his own wounds, and by so doing, has developed compassion, wisdom and strength to help others overcome theirs. He understands the pain of others since he has experienced it himself, and has become a gifted healer. His difficulty has become his strength. By realizing how much envy is based on an illusion, using it as a motivation to grow, and understanding that difficult times can be a source of blessing, we can transform envy from a troublesome emotion into a useful ally.
Self Awareness – The Beginning of the Cure
When a person chooses to go for counselling it is often due to experiencing a feeling of unhappiness, anxiety or being stuck, combined with a sense that one is unable to overcome it on one’s own. The first stage of counselling is to gain greater self awareness, to understand what is causing these feelings of anxiety. This occurs through a process of exploration, in which one explores the current situation as well as the past. Often what is discovered is that a person’s problem is rooted in his/her own self defeating behaviour. Commonly, people who have had difficult experiences in the past, adopt certain protective behaviours in order to deal with them. These behaviours, however, can become the cause of problems later in life. For example, take the hypothetical case of a man who has an anger management issue which is damaging his relationships. Through exploration of the past, he remembers that at school he was very sensitive and was bullied. To protect himself, he learned to become very angry and aggressive whenever he felt threatened. This behaviour became habitual, and as an adult each time he feels threatened he reacts with anger and aggression. The process of gaining greater awareness is known as “making the unconscious conscious”, since we can often be completely unaware of our own self defeating behaviours. There is a story of a man who would repeatedly complain about his lunch. “I hate cucumber sandwiches,” he would say every lunch time. One day his colleague said to him, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make you different sandwiches tomorrow?” He replied, “You don’t understand; I make them” . There are many deterrents to gaining greater self awareness. In therapy these are known as defence mechanisms. I will enumerate a few below. 1) Projection.Someone who is in denial about his/her own attributes, thoughts or emotions, may unconsciously ascribe them to others. For example, a person may avoid the discomfort of admitting his/her faults by projecting these faults onto another. 2) Turning against oneself.This is the reverse of projection. A person does not allow him/herself to experience aggressive or negative feelings toward others, and these feelings are directed back on themselves. They create negative self condemnation, such as ‘I am no good’, ‘I am unworthy, shameful,’ etc. This person assumes too much responsibility and may idealize others, thinking they can do no wrong. 3) Denial.When one is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept, one may refuse to admit it, or admit the actual facts but deny its seriousness. 4) AvoidanceThis consists of one’s refusal to encounter situations, objects or activities in order to prevent having to deal with a difficult situation. One example of this is keeping so busy that one has no time to think about important issues. Other strategies include intellectualisation, where a person uses abstract thinking or makes generalisations to avoid acknowledging something; and rationalisation, where one uses logic to explain away a matter but avoids its true reason. Understanding these strategies gives us greater insight into why a person has to truly search in order to understand him/herself. From this awareness, one can begin to change.
Overcoming Social Anxiety
Surveys have shown that one of people’s greatest fears is that of public speaking, which ranks higher than fears of illness, flying, and terrorism. This is one form of ‘social anxiety’. Others include shyness in one to one encounters, or nervousness when trying to initiate a conversation in a social setting, call a stranger on the telephone or perform before a group. Social anxiety can be defined as a grossly exaggerated fear of being the focus of attention and receiving negative evaluation from others. A person may be worried about being considered weak, inferior, or inept; this in turn creates a feeling of shame and humiliation. Avoiding difficult social situations, hiding from them, is a common way of protecting oneself from the negative feelings associated with them. This can be considered, from a psychological viewpoint, a safety behaviour. Safety behaviours are tactics, or patterns of behaviour, that are used to avoid or cope with difficult, stressful or threatening feelings. One of the paradoxical features of hiding is that it creates a self fulfilling prophesy which brings on that which is feared most. This occurs because the apprehension of a negative outcome causes physiological changes such as tension, increased pulse rate, sweating and blushing, and impedes clear thinking, recall and speech. These sensations in turn increase the negative apprehension, creating a vicious cycle that increases the anxiety rather than reducing it. There are several methods that can help in overcoming social anxiety. There are several methods that can help in overcoming social anxiety. 1) Accept your feelings.Sharing painful feelings of inadequacy or embarrassment with a close friend or therapist acts to reduce the feelings and normalize them. This is facilitated by having a relationship built on trust and unconditional acceptance. 2) Challenge your critical thoughts.A person who feels a sense of inadequacy projects this out to the world and presumes that the world perceives him/her in the same way. This is often a complete misinterpretation of the truth, just as paranoid people project their own fears outwardly. A cartoon I once saw showed a person speaking to his therapist. The client said “I think there are 6 billion people who hate me,” to which the therapist replied “I think it could be more accurate to say that 5.99 billion don’t really care either way.” 3) Re-evaluate childhood messages.Often, shyness or lack of confidence arises from feelings of inferiority experienced in childhood. This belief that one is not adequate can follow a person into adult life. Taking a new look at childhood beliefs will often show that these were based on incorrect or immature perceptions and assumptions. Even if these assumptions were true at one time, they may no longer be accurate now. Realising this can alleviate one’s negative self perception and make one less fearful of social rejection. 4) Change behaviours.A person who is uncomfortable in social situations should confront the anxiety provoking situation, as our imagined fears are generally worse than the reality. This is done by taking small steps forward, starting with the least difficult situation and gradually leading to the most trying. Albert Ellis, the originator of cognitive therapy, was very shy as a youth and trained himself to become more outgoing by striking up conversations with strangers in the local zoo. 5) Improve your skills.There are often practical steps that a person can take which will help him/her overcome feelings of shyness or fear of public speaking, such as assertiveness training, learning relaxing techniques and building social skills. Improving one’s self esteem in other areas of ones life can also create greater confidence in a social context. Applying any one or a combination of these approaches can be highly effective in alleviating the anxiety that plagues the lives of so many people.
5 Steps for Enhancing Marriage
We live in a world where marriage is in crisis, with fifty percent or more of marriages ending in divorce in many Western countries. As a certified Imago relationship therapist, I specialize in helping couples improve their relationships and am passionate about sharing ideas that can enhance them. I would like to share a five steps approach that I use to help people build stronger marriages. 1 Awareness The first is to gain insight into the dynamics of the relationship, which includes its strengths and areas of challenge. One of the most common problems is “falling out of love.” Many relationships begin on a high, but when this begins to fade, the true person is revealed — warts and all. Negative traits may then begin to cause antagonism, and it is common for power struggles to develop in which each person strives to have their needs met. Shaming and blaming often follows, where each person lashes out at the other causing harmful arguments to occur. What often develops is a ‘Hailstorm and Turtle relationship’. The ‘hailstorm’ person criticizes the other – throwing hail stones at them. The other acts like a turtle, pulling away and going into their shell. The hailstorm person then thinks – I am not getting my point across, so they throw more and larger hails stones – which make the turtle withdraw even more. This creating a very strained relationship. One useful tool which I use to help both married and engaged couples understand their relationship is PREPARE/ENRICH, used by more than three million people worldwide. This is a customized questionnaire which is completed online, and gives an overview of the strengths and areas of growth of the relationship. It addresses areas such as communication, conflict resolution, finance and personality. 2 Thought When we focus on a person’s virtues we feel positive towards them. When we focus on their faults, negativity occurs. So it’s important to keep focused on the good in the relationship and overcome negative thinking. When we feel negatively toward someone, we tend to justify the feelings with compelling reasons. “They are so selfish/inconsiderate/rude!” Cognitive therapy points out that our reasoning often results from distorted thinking; we may jump to the wrong conclusions, see things in all-or-nothing terms, or fail to view the whole picture correctly. Imago relationship therapy teaches that often the same difficult behaviour patterns we experienced with our parents reoccur with our spouse or are projected onto them. Understanding how pain from past relationships can be projected onto current ones, helps to reduce the upset. We realize that the pain that we are experiencing is not wholly due to the current relationship, but results from experiences in our past. This understanding helps a person to become less reactive and more compassionate. 3 Communication Building healthy communication plays a vital role in developing good relationships. One important technique is known as “mirroring”, in which each person paraphrases the other’s opinion before expressing their own. Opinions are also expressed by using “I” statements reflecting how one feels, rather than with accusatory statements that begin with “you.” When we feel understood, it has a calming effect and creates an empathetic environment in which people can work together to resolve differences. We can also make requests for a change in the other person’s behavior to help resolve conflicts. 4 Action Couple therapists often suggest increasing acts of care, and giving, either in small steps, such as giving a little gift or having a weekly “date” night, or larger ones such as taking short trips away to spend quality time together and reconnect. Giving is most effective when it comes from a place of care and is a response to another person’s true needs. Dr Gary Chapman, author of ‘The Five Love Languages’, explains that there are five ways in which we express and experience love: Gift Giving, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service (Devotion), and Words of. Appreciation. Different people have different ‘love languages’. So it’s important to understand the other person’s needs and express the form of love they appreciate most. These acts can create an upward spiral of affection, reigniting love and connection in the relationship. 5 Learning and Counselling There are many valuable books and resources about marriage. Some that I recommend are ‘Getting the Love you Want’, by Harville Hendrix, and ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’, by John Gottman. I also encourage couples experiencing difficulties to seek marriage counselling before they become overwhelming. By addressing isues early on and using effective approaches a marriages can truly blossom.
The Art of Communication: How to Have a Good Fight
Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at Washington University, has developed a model which claims 90% accuracy in predicting whether newlywed couples will remain married. He believes that an early warning signal that a marriage is in danger is the expression of harsh criticism.